I started a Dialectical behavioral therapy class. It is 3 hours a day m-th. We are talking a lot about emotional management. Sometimes emotion comes in huge waves and we need to know how to manage.

Apparently you should be able to deal with pure emotion in 60 seconds. The reason they usually last longer is because of secondary emotions. Like for example someone cuts you off on the street , first emotion is fear then maybe anger and frustration. I think I have had the 60 second experience before and the secondary emotions also.

Bipolar1 What

So, today my doctor told me I am bipolar 1. He said because I have had so many mixed episodes and rapid cycling. I know it is just a label. There is little difference, but it good to know.

This year has been so hard. My doctor said he was sorry I had to go through all of this. Also, I am 30 days short of being considered 10 year teacher. I am looking into it. I did teach the last six weeks the year before I started actually teaching. This is part of getting some disability from TRS.

Life is so complicated. I have to figure out what insurance I will go with. I think we will do cobra. It isn’t that bad. I really need to stick with the same doctor. I want to continue my treatment.

Rapid cycling bipolar

So, now we think I have rapid cycling bipolar. We don’t get to choose these things. I think I read that this could be for a season. I am a person tied in chains. I am subject to this sickness. It is ruling my life. Why does this awful sickness exist? Life has a plan I just don’t know what it is.

As I wait for a plan, I am trying to be productive. I don’t want to sit around not doing anything. I am trying to come up with ideas to keep me busy. Clean the house is big on the list. I can do this. I want my house back. I would like to have my stepdaughter home.

So many things have been robbed from me , stolen from me. My job, my friends, motherhood, and health are a few of the things stolen from me. I have to claim my life again. This life needs to be worth living.

Thankful for

My mani pedi ( one thing I try to do for myself)
My husband (he can be completely unaware of my swings and struggles, but I believe he is doing the best he knows how)
My mom
My dogs
I have al 10 fingers and 10 toes
I have husband who hasn’t left me
My house has heat and air
My car works
I don’t have to go back to a stressful job
So much more

Life takes a turn

I am handing in my resignation soon, but in the mean time I am not working. I am going to sign up for a intensive mental health care day program. I am on a waiting list. I should start the second week of December. I need structure to my day. This day program focuses of Dialectical Behavioral help.

Bipolar has robbed me of many things. I am a little pissed off about it. The question is how do I take those things back. I have lost friends, job, and tons of money. The hardest thing to lose was friends. In hard times, it often is hard to find someone to call or to be with.

Hard to believe

I am sitting in church trying to sing the worship songs, but I am finding some lyrics hard. I am in the desert I don’t see God in the direction my life is headed.

One of the songs says your a good good dad. Also says you are perfect in all your ways to us. I can’t say that right now.

I was wanting to join the worship team, but I know now is not the right time. What goodness am I experiencing at this time. I am hurting right now.

I understand he is in the midst of my struggle, but I cannot see Him through the fog. The thick fog that makes it hard to see and breath. I am not much for encouragement right now. I would be surprised if you could tell me I have not heard.

Good wife

My husband is always the last to know I’m not ok. I tell him and tell him. He doesn’t listen he tells me I’m wrong. Then after it is blatantly obvious he caves.

I told him I couldn’t teach anymore. I told him I couldn’t do it. He said everyone hates their job. He said his job is hard. All of this is true but I still couldn’t teach. None of that changed my situation. Now that I had a meltdown at school and am resigning, he says maybe teaching isn’t for you. It felt great to hear him say that.

As a wife I need to honor my husband and I feel we must agree on big decisions. But with my illness this has not the best way. He never sees it. He never thinks I am supposed to go into the hospital. The last time I defied him. I pushed him away. I have almost lost him when I have been hypomanic.

That is all for now I have to go.

I don’t know how to be sick

I only know how to be strong. I push and pretend. I can do it all. Until I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know how to be sick. Things just finally fall apart. I have done so many things to get well. I have done inpatient and outpatient. I have done over 12 medications and electro convulsion therapy.

I am thinking of going into long term inpatient therapy, but it is so expensive. I don’t know what to do. I will talk to my doctor to see what is best. In a month my insurance will change. I know I cannot continue my care with my current doctor. The hospital they approve has limited physiatrist. The last time I tried to get an appointment it was 3 months out. What if I go three months without seeing a doctor? What if I cannot get medication? What what what?

I am terrified.

What next

What is life on disability? We so often find our identity in our job. Now I don’t have one. I am looking into volunteering. My doctor is talking about putting me in am extensive day program. So I don’t think I can commit to anything right now.

I cannot just stay in the house. I am distraught. I would not say I am suicidal but I keep picturing hurting myself. I picture myself cutting my throat or slicing my wrists. Both pictures happen in my kitchen and I have towels to try and keeping it clean. I don’t think I could hurt myself. I just wonder what it would feel like.

I am very stress free now that I am not working. Part of me wanted this to all be over. I just couldn’t do my job.

I was so successful. I was great at what I did. It all fell apart. I don’t think I ever want to teach again.

When life gives you lemons throw them at people

3 years ago I changed jobs to be closer to home so I could have a baby. About. 6 months into the job I became hypomanic and was diagnosed bipolar. At that time I had enough days to cover my absences. The next year around the same time of year I became hypomanic. Of course between theses times I was manic depressive. Well that year I had fmla. This year I had nothing and I have missed 21 days or so. Now I am to tender my resignation.

I came to have a baby and got bipolar. That not only sucks but I cannot ever really have a baby. Also all the girls around me are having babies.

Life sucks.