My job has been stressful this year. I have been in the hospital 3xs. Twice inpatient once because of being toxic on meds. Now because my parents have complained and I just am not capable of doing my job and I can not be consistent. I am being transferred to assist an elementary teacher.
I am relieved because I knew I couldn’t go on like I have been. I don’t even get to say goodbye to my students. I am distraught. Most of all it makes me realize I have no true friends to talk to. No girlfriend to call and cry to. No one to hold me and say they were so sorry for what I was going through. I have a great mom who cares and loves me. She picked me up today because I was an emotional wreck.
I feel like a dead person walking around. I am very sad. I am tired of being sad. I want to do something crazy like grab all my plates and smash them on the ground. Or I could walk through target and push all of the wine glasses on the floor. I want to scream at the top of my lungs but I can’t. I have to find a way to be ok or pretend to be ok. I just want it all to end. The pain and suffering the ups the downs I am so exhausted. My husband can’t see it. He can’t see how much I am hurting. I know he is hurting and has his pain. But I just don’t know how to help him understand anymore.
I wish joy and love and peace were a part of my life. I want to thrive and be a great success. I want to dance and sing. I want to smile and laugh. I want to wake up and be happy for a new day. But I don’t know when that day will come. I always work and try. I take my meds. I talk to my therapist. I am trying to blog again. Why isn’t it working. Why do I die a little more each day. Why God is this my cross to bear. I know Yours was greater. I will never know the pain the Jesus suffered. At least he can know mine. He knows.
bipolar2what 
I’m so sorry you are hurting. I have been there – been a teacher who has had to leave the profession. All I can offer is, give yourself time to grieve, and be open to a new direction. God will use your gifts and your love for him in a new way. The peace and joy will come.
Now I am being asked to tender my resignation. Go on disability and not work.
That is where I ended up, sweet sister. Please don’t see this as the end. Yes, I missed my classroom dreadfully for many months. Yet, it turned out to be a glorious new beginning for me.
Stay open. Focus not on the circumstances, but on the One who will create new purpose for you. I know how difficult it is, particularly when you have a passion for teaching, for your students. I know it hurts deeply. Remember, you can only see a portion of the road. Please don’t give up hope. Press into Him. And keep breathing.